Table Manners

So I'm going to take the honor of having the 1st post that is even remotely related to the title of this blog. We live in Oregon, a state that I'm very proud of for being so blue come election time. I like that I live in neighborhood filled with stable loving lesbian relationships and they don't have to live in fear of someone burning a cross in their front yard. The punk ass kids on our street even seem accepting of non-traditional lifestyles. It's great. I don't even mind the dirty hippies, except for the trust-a-farians - move to Boulder where you belong. But there is one thing I have a near zero tolerance for and that is people who force their alternative food lifestyles on everyone at the table. In Corvallis - there are many.

Today I ate lunch with the Girls Locker Room crew - 2 girls in the adjacent lab that I bullshit with all the time and who get subjected to my many rants about whatever happened that day. We'll call them Abby and Trina to protect the innocent. Abby invited a new chick - a friend of a friend type thing. Let me introduce Vegan Vera. Vera informs us as she opens her soy yogurt that she is, in fact, vegan with the exception that she eats fish. But not just any fish, you have to catch the fish yourself that day (and serve it to her). And not just any freshly caught fish, it must be only salmon or halibut, because those are the only fish she has tried so far. So your thinking - "big deal Holly, quit your whining". Well, it doesn't stop there. Abby is planning a birthday dinner for her friend Jan. Jan is vegetarian (not vegan), but Vera starts dictating to Abby exactly what she can and cannot make for dinner b/c Vera is going to be there and don't forget she's vegan (except for freshly caught salmon and halibut), not to mention another friend in common who only eats fresh food as in not cooked, is also going to be there. At this point Trina ponders out loud if she is going to go buy some cottage cheese for lunch. Vera jumps on this and informs Trina that of all the cultured milk products out there, cottage cheese has the lowest nutrient density and instructs Trina to eat yogurt instead. At this point, I can't take it anymore. The entire conversation of the lunch has been about Vera and her food issues/wisdom. But just then I'm delightfully saved when Bob and his wife stop by the table and announce their plans to make a TurDucken for Thanksgiving. If you're not familiar, a TurDucken is a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey. I pipe up and insist Bob shouldn't stop there. There has to lots more tiny birds that can be cooked inside of slightly larger birds.

I have put Vegan Vera on par with the girl not so lovingly referred to as Lactose-Intolerant Girl. I went to a business, potential client schmoozing, dinner with Holly's Boyfriend and his then boss. We went to a high-end Italian restaurant where the meal was served family style. Lactose-Intolerant Girl put her restrictions on ALL of the 7 entrees that were ordered and proceeded to make her condition the focus of converstaion for the next 20 minutes. It was a fucking business dinner. Make your request for a couple of cheese free dishes and move on with your life.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with being vegetarian, vegan, lactose intolerant or whatever else - just don't spend my lunch hour trying to convert me or criticizing my food choices. Especially not if we just met and you are a vegan who eats fish, but only freshly caught fish and only salmon or halibut because that's the only ones you've tried.